Positive

I was perched on a chair in the shed.  Perched, only in a way a five foot something Loz can.  In my hand was my usual one, of many coffees.  The day cannot begin, until I press GO! GO! GO! on my trusty Aldi coffee machine.

Chris was tinkering away with something, chatting away I took a sip.

Arse.

Sniffing the cup, I put the mug down.

Must buy a pregnancy test.

I am 31.  I am an adult.  I am in a happy and committed relationship.

So why, did I circle the test aisle about three times until it was empty?  I have no idea.  I needed nothing else, but camouflaged my purchase with loaves of unnecessary bread, tea bags and god knows what else.  It reminded me of my teenage self buying Libra thins.

Thank YOU woolies for self serve.

This time, we had decided to run with the motto.  What will be, will be.  Not obsessing.  Not tracking, symptom wondering and: pee on ALL the sticks.

Doctors don't recognise what I had, as any miscarriage.  To this day, I still have no idea what term to use for it.  Medically, my body did what it needed to do.  But in my mind?  I saw those positive lines.  I felt pregnant.  I was handed a lottery ticket, then all of a sudden a gust of wind took it from me.  It was extremely, extremely hard, not to reference this, to now.

So a clean slate we tried.  What will be, will be.  Not this month? Then next.

I perched (again, in only the way Loz can) on the edge of the toilet seat.  Chris outside, with Emily.  We decided, that testing a day early, wasn't going to make the world implode.  What will be, will be.

Instant.

Two. Solid. Lines.

For a full minute, I held onto this news.  In the small confines of the toilet, I held on so tight to this piece of news.  I was the only person in the whole wide world to know it.  I didn't cry.  I held onto that test like it was solid gold.

I walked down the steps outside.  Chris & Emily warming themselves by the fire.

Do you have news?
I do.
Yes?
It very near exploded into my hands.

A sparkle, was born.

Dude, where's my Sparkle?

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

My brain was not getting the message.

I stood, bracing myself.  Making that split decision, that could either end in tears, or a tick next to my name to: Disgraced herself before 9am.

I needed to vomit.  And sneeze.  Together, in not such holy matrimony.

I somehow don't think, there is space in the book: My special Moments for that pearler.

I am with Sparkles.  Named by my former Ninja.  The irony is not lost on me as I reach for the mouth wash and mutter: No, I do not feel effing Sparkly today. 

Incredibly enough, my baby won't be born with a Santa hat, but you can bet your bottom dollar everyone is getting gift cards under the tree this year, because no one wants to see a 40 week pregnant woman crying of tinsel at big w.

So. I am back baby.  My blogging mojo has returned with gusto. I want to document this journey, the sparkly bits and the real bits.  Plus, facebook is giving me the shits.

I am 13 weeks.  I haven't had a coffee in weeks.  I knew I was pregnant before I tested.  Coffee tasted like arse.  I eat halloumi by the block.  I have an epic sweet tooth.  I hate meat.  I am tired. I am bloody scared, life as 4.. how to get the baby out etc etc etc.

So, here I am.  Finding the sparkle in everyday.

Loz x