Positive

I was perched on a chair in the shed.  Perched, only in a way a five foot something Loz can.  In my hand was my usual one, of many coffees.  The day cannot begin, until I press GO! GO! GO! on my trusty Aldi coffee machine.

Chris was tinkering away with something, chatting away I took a sip.

Arse.

Sniffing the cup, I put the mug down.

Must buy a pregnancy test.

I am 31.  I am an adult.  I am in a happy and committed relationship.

So why, did I circle the test aisle about three times until it was empty?  I have no idea.  I needed nothing else, but camouflaged my purchase with loaves of unnecessary bread, tea bags and god knows what else.  It reminded me of my teenage self buying Libra thins.

Thank YOU woolies for self serve.

This time, we had decided to run with the motto.  What will be, will be.  Not obsessing.  Not tracking, symptom wondering and: pee on ALL the sticks.

Doctors don't recognise what I had, as any miscarriage.  To this day, I still have no idea what term to use for it.  Medically, my body did what it needed to do.  But in my mind?  I saw those positive lines.  I felt pregnant.  I was handed a lottery ticket, then all of a sudden a gust of wind took it from me.  It was extremely, extremely hard, not to reference this, to now.

So a clean slate we tried.  What will be, will be.  Not this month? Then next.

I perched (again, in only the way Loz can) on the edge of the toilet seat.  Chris outside, with Emily.  We decided, that testing a day early, wasn't going to make the world implode.  What will be, will be.

Instant.

Two. Solid. Lines.

For a full minute, I held onto this news.  In the small confines of the toilet, I held on so tight to this piece of news.  I was the only person in the whole wide world to know it.  I didn't cry.  I held onto that test like it was solid gold.

I walked down the steps outside.  Chris & Emily warming themselves by the fire.

Do you have news?
I do.
Yes?
It very near exploded into my hands.

A sparkle, was born.