19 weeks. (or, I can't think of a funny title today)

19 weeks.  Nearly half way.  That roughly translates into: Um, totally not even close to being organised and dude.. I am already feeling like the size of a small elephant.

Like most things we tackle in life, it's a roller coaster ride. Only the other day I went completely bananas, cleaning all the things.  Nothing was safe from my duster.  I know, I dusted.  I am quite shocked too.  Even up high things. I washed bedsheets. The bathroom even got cleaned.  Properly.  I did more in one day, than I have done in seven weeks.

I promptly side-kicked with joy, that I was not actually feeling sick. 

Fast-forward to today. 

I stood at the kitchen bench wondering if a could nap on the floor while EG's lunch was cooking. I felt so sick, that I just stood at the toilet door.. not daring to enter because well.  I am sick of the sight of my bloody toilet and fought this round.

Morning sickness. Or as I like to call it: Please, even I am starting to get sick of smell of Toilet Duck.

I am growing. That is an accurate description on what I like to call: Pillow Mountain. Because, heart burn is rearing it's burny head and round ligament pain is something you forget about. You forget a lot of stuff. Which is lucky, because Pregzilla here is quite hormonal today.

I still pinch myself (not too hard, I'll cry) and think.. two kids! We will be a family of four! It's all a bit special. The baby kicks, remind me of separating the symptoms to the real life being you're growing. I wonder. I wonder often. Boy, girl?  Will they have a wicked sense of humour like EG?  I can't fathom, that in 21 weeks (hear that sparkles, we are not going overdue.. OK?) we'll meet this little person. 

It's been mayhem here recently.  Anyone who owns a small business, will understand the craziness.  I have held the fort inside the house, while Chris has met some crazy deadlines.  We have had some big chats on how we can streamline life.  We're all exhausted.  As much as it is his name on the business, it is very much a team effort here.  

I am looking forward to start organising the nursery.  I don't do themes.  But I truly missed decking out a nursery with EG we were renting/in the midst of moving.  I have been searching for star decals.  Designing posters in my head.  And holding baby socks in Target and looking like a deranged woman.

In other news, EG finally got her fish.  Little Fish of Calm.  So nice to watch, and they won't eat my glasses or remote for the telly.

Put the kettle on will you?

Loz x

With heart.

Today I heard Sparkle's heart beat. It truly was a moment.  Of course, you know you have a baby growing inside you, but sometimes just hearing that sign of life, just grabs your senses and gives them a good squishy hug.

I am sitting here, eating Cheezels. I've just put a lasagne on ready for tea, but we all know that will be shelved for a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes.  I feel so sluggish.  I am trying to fill my body with nutrients, but when you have already narfed up your morning cup of tea.. you are scraping the barrel on choices.

I had forgotten, the extreme tiredness.  It's fun.  Fun in a, I would actually sell a limb, to have a nap right now.

I filled in my hospital paperwork.  Did I have concerns in my previous labour?  Well, how much time do you have? Since they only gave me two lines of space,  I kept it to: quite farkin nervous actually, quite surprised I didn't have to have a blood transfusion and ohmygod my baby tried to come out sideways.  I am a little bit anxious, had a long intense labour. Possibly should of had a c-section.

I am learning, not to wish the days away. Embrace those moments.  They may be really rubbish ones, when your four year old has her hands on her hips and you can now add: United Nations peace keeping attributes to your resume. Or they might be really wonderful ones, where you feel those little kicks. You catch a sight of your tummy in the mirror. Or said four year old walks up to your tummy and says: Good morning! Sparkles!

As cheesy and hallmark-like it is, life is truly about all these moments.  You'll never crack the code.  You'll never be king of the castle.  It's about doing your best.  Picking up the pieces when they fall, and creating structure when need be. Don't wish days away.  Especially this being our last child, I am embracing all these firsts.  Because soon, they will be the lasts.

In 5 months, life is about to thrown into newborn world.  Days of nappies and what the feck am I doing.  I love that I have the confidence, to roughly charter this territory.  With EG, I was worried what to do with the baby, when I went to the loo. This time, I am worried about how many stitches I will need in my hoo-haa.  I am trying to roll with my motto: it is.. what it is.  Birth plans are quite funny and you may as well eat your Enya CD.  I don't necessarily want a do-over on birth, but I sure do want to have more control.  I was so embarrassed the morning after Eg's birth.  That all these women had seen me howling like a banshee.  I could hear babies screaming for nights after.  13 hours of intensity.

But right now, I am focusing on today.  Hearing those bombty-bomps heart beats.  Enjoying the rate my hair is growing.  The crunch of cereal.  Hugs from my girl EG.  Thinking, dreaming and pondering.

In this moment, it's all good.

Dear Sparkles,

Sometimes you just stop me, fully in my tracks.  I usually catch a glimpse of you in the mirror.  My ever growing waist line, a continual reminder.. that you are on your way.  Your life, has already started. Your height, hair colour, eye colour has already been mapped out for you.

It's a special time.  A special time, in the quiet of the night I feel you.  Like a little flicker, there you are. A slight butterfly movement, reminds me that the pure amazement it is.. to be your Mum.

I think of you often.  I laugh, as I open another punnet of cherry tomatoes.  I cry, as I wonder how one person can function on this little energy.  I cross the weeks off, and can't fathom.. that come the end of this year.. you will complete our little tribe.

Of all the mums in the world, I am yours.

I picture, us as a family.  Summer days on a blanket in the garden.  Hot nights pacing the pavement hoping for sleep.  Your sister hiding all her My Little Ponies out of reach.

It will be hard, we will learn together.  I promise.

My Dearest Sparkles..

I love you

x

Sweet Baby Cheeses.

Pregnancy cravings can not be categorized simply alongside, "Ooh I could just go a slice of buttered toast" If only it was that simple.  Because you'd save yourself a lot of sadness looking into the pantry and realising that it was indeed, your last Clinker.

Some moments, as you crash tackle that loaf of bread in a style that would rival Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games.. you wish it was that simple.  Aversions.  Cravings.  Weird things, that you thank the fairies of Google for answering.  

Mental note, clear search history.  

I can't stand meat.  But would hip & shoulder you out of the way for a particularly salty bacon sandwich. But hold the crusts.  Coffee has to taste a particular way.  I am not even sure what that particular way is yet. I love cold water.  Tap water, certain temperature. 

Are you sensing a theme here?

After paying homage to my porcelain throne for approximately a billion years, food as you can imagine is a hot topic. 

Sweet baby cheeses.

The Nursery is coming along well.  I have a theme in mind, and if that was 100 cardboard boxes.. I would indeed be onto a winner.  Husband assures me they will be moved.  Along side the spare dining room table, chairs needing restored and 20 bags of baby clothes that Charlie dog keeps scattering from here to next Thursday.  

Because, if we were normal I would be worried and start taking every one's temperature.

24 weeks to go.  Second child syndrome, this is flying a little too fast.  I sat down to my KINDER IS BACK! coffee this morning (no, not particularly nice FYI) and it dawned on me.  Life is about to get a tad bat shit crazy.  Nearly 5 years between babies.  Prancing up and down the coles aisles solo, will be a thing that dreams are made of.  Not, that I am much of a prancer anyway. 

Two kids?  Holy batman, someone send more mozzarella.

The fatigue, oh the fatigue.  I keep searching for that second trimester energizer bunny.  But I think she's still at the starting line, tying up her shoe laces. Mum brain?  My brain is 10% still at woolies wondering why I am staring at the tinned pineapple.  I brushed my hair last week, looked down to see a box of defrosting chicken nuggets on the bathroom sink.  Charlie-puppy ate the remote, I sat and watched half of Jumanji because I was too tired to get up and change the channel. 

I don't even like Jumanji.